Tuesday, 17 March 2015

Letr2Jil: Sex Object by Leke Alder

Dear Jil, look, the society we live in
objectifies women and I’m disappointed YOU are playing to the stereotype.

 I thought you’d live your life in a manner inconsistent with the typification of women as objects of libidinous titillation.

It’s very demeaning of womanhood  and makes mockery of the
conception of the woman. That some
women can accept such
objectification only tells you how far
humanity has fallen.

There’s a whole
lot of women out there who believe
that’s the way to get on in life. They
want to live a life without work,
exchange sex for social security. You
won’t get the respect you need
accepting the role of sexual pun on
the chequered board of life’s game

So you get shoes, handbag,
travel and living expenses in
exchange for sex. (Some get more)
but... Don’t forget what Solomon said:
With all thy getting get understanding.
You need good judgment.

At some point the inherent logic of
this lifestyle is going to catch up with
the deepest needs in you. You know
he doesn’t love you. You know that
relationship is worthless without sex
and without his gold.

At some point you’re going to want that very love you think is unimportant now. You’ll seek to change the rules of
engagement. It’s at that point he’ll
move to seek out another paramour.

Your relationship is nothing but a quid
pro quo. It’s sex for economic and
social responsibility. You satisfy his
sex fantasies, he gives you travel,
clothes, shoes and bags…and of
course pays your house rent. At some
point you’re going to want more.
You’re going to want marriage, which
he can’t give you. He’s married.
You’re going to want to start a family,
which again he can’t give you. You’re
a side chick. You can’t have that
family you want without social
disruption. And not without paying a
forceful price. He never intends to
leave his wife and kids. Going to be
tough. And your relationship didn’t
contemplate all that. So he’s not
going to be willing to pay the price to
be with you. The price is too high,
and you may not be worth it to him.

He never bargained you’ll want social
recognition and reward. That wasn’t
the unspoken understanding. The
basic understanding was that you
were a private practice proposition
tucked away from the full glare of
society. Only one or two of his friends
know about you, so you’re a secret
service concept.

When it started it seemed great. You were a much  younger woman travelling first class without paying a dime. You lived above the means of your peers… You were their envy. And you relished the fact. You travelled the world- London, Paris, Dubai, Venice…

But now it seems you arrived too much in a hurry at your future. But you’re stuck now and you can’t make sense of
where you are. The coordinates are
missing. You can’t move on, you can’t
go back, you can’t have what you
want. And it’s creating fights… which
he can’t understand. He can only
assuage your feelings with lies and
false hopes. You now realize all those
things pale in comparison to the
things you desire.

You really want to move into his home. But you can’t kick out his wife. She’s tough, and he’s afraid of her. Can’t even suggest the idea to her. And his family won’t buy it, though one of his uncles likes you.

I know it started on campus. He had that red Mercedes which he drove to pick you every weekend.
That put you in a league. You couldn’t
date “small boys” understandably. They didn’t have a spoke of bicycle.
Along with Riskat, Amina and Jennifer
you were happening… and seemingly
ahead of everyone else.

But here’s the thing. You had lifestyle but no life. You had happiness but no joy.
You had the present but no future. All
the travel and material things blinded
you. Only you never thought that
lifestyle has its own logic. You priced
yourself out of the market and
painted yourself into an emotional
corner. And just as you’re not sharing
your regrets and frustrations with
anybody, so those before you never
shared theirs. And so the next girl is
going to make the same mistakes.
She can’t know the reality behind
your lifestyle.

When we refuse tuition we learn from experience. Now you realize with a little bit of patience you could have bought all those things for yourself. With just one or two promotions you would have been able to afford travel on your own.

You bought a lie. We must learn patience in life. Haste is not the same as progress. And because you’ve lived this life for some time now you don’t even know  how to approach the job market. Or how to start a business. And he’s the
only one who can give you capital.
Because he’s the one supplying your
needs according to his riches you
can’t afford to leave him. You’re
wholly dependent on him. Your only
escape is a richer guy, and that also
comes with a similar price.

I remember the story of a nice young
lady who snagged a wonderful and
rich gentleman. Her friends were
surprised because she didn’t play the
streets. They didn’t think such was
possible without self-help. Her friends
believed a man can’t love you so
fervently without a heavy exchange of
sex. That the love was proportional to
the amount of sex given. They were

If you want a wholesome relationship you’ve got to get out of that belief system and its ecosystem. It’s never too late to apply yourself and get out  of the trap.

That lifestyle is a life-defining trap, as you’ve seen. The question is whether you want to work and labour with your own hands.

Of course there’s an initial price you’ll
pay for changing course. The biggest price of all is your pride. But it will even out, ‘cos you’ll get the other things you desire, like true love. And proprietary affection. Your fears and frustration will be gone. You can
control your destiny.

The older ones who got trapped in that lifestyle will never tell the truth. Their pride won’t allow. And the shame. They want to maintain their image and myth created.

What will their lives sum up to otherwise?

You wrote me to tell you the truth. Now I’ve told you the truth. What will you do with it?

Your mentor, LA.
#Letr2Jil © Leke Alder

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