#Letr2Jack: Money Matters – 2 by Leke Alder

Dear Jack

 

When a marriage is under financial strain, 

men and women exhibit strange characters...

lack of money..in a marriage...breeds fear and 

turns you into a spiritual analyst. 

And so the woman becomes the enemy, a suspect, not an ally.

My dear Jack, if you don’t want the truth don’t ask me for advice. I’ve told you money is important in marriage. A lack of money can break a marriage. And where it doesn’t it can do irreparable damage. It will reconfigure the relationship between you and your wife. It’s why I tell young men not to go into marriage without a job. You’re going to put enormous strain on the marriage. No matter how much you love each other, when there’s no money the union will be pressured. And when a marriage is under financial strain, men and women exhibit strange characters. You’ll be shocked what that goody goody girlfriend of yours will do under financially induced marital strain. Even you will change under pressure. And financial pressure can be particularly hard on young men. Linked to self-esteem.

Life demands of young men they substantiate their affection with means. And because men define themselves by attainment, a lack of money greatly affects social status. When there’s financial pressure, the more your wife tries to console and comfort you the more you’ll snap. The brunt of financial pressure is borne by those in close proximity. And so both of you will turn on each other. Then the illogical begins to happen. You’ll grow superstitious, wondering if marrying the young woman was the incipience of a regime of lack… Wondering whether the woman is a harbinger of bad fortune you shouldn’t have married. That’s what lack of money can do in a marriage. It breeds fear and turns you into a spiritual analyst. And so the woman becomes the enemy, a suspect, not an ally. And things spiral down from there. Controlled by superstition and fear, you’ll refuse to eat her food. Maybe she “spiked” it. Soon your mother-in-law will become a witch. Along with her daughters, they’re a coven of witches. Why won’t you just spare yourself arrant and suspicious spirituality and just go and get yourself a job?

I have said it before: there’s the sentimentality of love. But there’s also the dutifulness of love. Love portends responsibility. Love has a disciplinary component. Love is patient, love is kind, love is not envious, love is not boastful or proud… Love doesn’t demand its own way, love hardly notices when the other does it wrong… Those definitions of love are beyond sentimentalism. They bespeak restraint, discipline and responsibility. Love is responsible and disciplined.

Now I don’t know the philosophy you subscribe to as per marriage…(Every marriage is guided by a philosophy of life)… But where I’m coming from, a man must be responsible for his wife and kids. He must provide for them. And your financial responsibility is independent of the income of your wife, though you can create a combine. But if you subscribe to the notion of being a house-husband, all well and good. It’s your choice and I respect that. It’s a new sociology, but don’t complain you’re not accorded respect. If you want respect as man- and respect means a lot to us men, be financially responsible in your marriage. As a man there are things you must do. I’m sure you have expectations of your wife too. But something tells me, deep down no one wants to marry a liability. Everyone wants an asset. And no one wants to marry a depreciating asset either, or redundant asset. Redundancy has carrying cost.

And it’s not just about you. You want your son to be proud of you as a father. You want him to emulate you. You want to be a worthy example to your son, to be a living example. It may be tough paying those school fees at times but all the young man wants to know is, “Daddy is trying!” Have you ever wondered why the children of drunks hate their father? Think about it. It’s not just that he’s raucous and uncontrollable and a social disgrace. There’s also the issue of him debilitating the only productive asset in the home- their mother. In principle, an irresponsible father is no different from that drunk. Irresponsibility is a common factor. Get a job. It might not be the ideal job you want but your wife knows you’re doing something. And your little son knows Daddy is working hard, struggling. He will pray for you. And you pass on to your son the values of work ethic, honesty, discipline, self-worth. If your son doesn’t imbibe those values your old age may not be pleasant.

The woman has to handle the social disgrace of no money in marriage. She has to buy goods on credit. And she has friends. She either has to keep lying (and they know she’s lying) or relate in shame. That’s not saying you should be like the Joneses. Much of the avowed prosperity of the Joneses is a mirage. You never know the true story about the Joneses. And your name is not Tom Jones. So there’s the contentment side to manliness, being proud of what you’ve achieved so far, hoping for the best. No, that’s not what I’m talking about. I’m talking about laboring with your own hands and looking out for opportunities. And when opportunities come, grabbing them with both hands… Being diligent in the pursuit of the future. 

But if you start making excuses for non-achievement, you’re going to turn it into a philosophy.

And please don’t hate what you desire. Stop hating the successful. Not every successful person is crooked. I’m just saying the pressure won’t stop on your marriage until you sort out the money angle. Get a job! You start somewhere and you progress. The longer you put off getting into employment the more you defer the future. Don’t allow life overtake you. And you know that’s happening when your colleagues are zooming past you. And that’s my ounce of advice. What you do with it is really up to you.

Your mentor, LA.

© Leke Alder 

You can reach Leke Alder via:
talk2me@lekealder.com

 

#Letr2Jil: MAKING A S*X TAPE, By Leke Alder

My dear Jil, I'd have thought by now you'd know better than to produce a sex tape. There are too many instances of sex tape gone viral that someone should have learnt by now. Whatever the wonderful intent of Kim Kardashian about her sex tape I doubt if she contemplated a vengeful Ray J. When it comes to sex tape there is always the possibility of prosecution of malice or revenge by a former lover.

A sex tape surrenders power to your partner over your future. And he has full discretionary powers. And you know people change, and promises get broken; trust can become a tradable commodity. A sex tape has untoward possibilities.  There is the high possibility it will leak at some point; there is a possibility someone's going to seek to damage your future with it; a possibility that someone's going to seek to get back at you; or someone's going To seek to become famous at your expense; or someone's going to be careless, stupid, foolish or reckless; or someone's going to seek to blackmail you; or someone's going to torment you in the short, medium or long term... These are real and present dangers.

Men are not always honourable and cyberspace has become a residential retreat for evil doers. Then there's the danger of unintended distribution. Unerased files on a phone given to someone for example. There's also the possibility of someone hacking into your computer or mobile device to download your sequestered privacy. Then the scripture will be fulfilled: That which is done in secret shall be made manifest. Whatever voyeuristic enjambment you seek from a sex tape its capacity for treachery is not worth your acting debut. But some people get famous from sex tapes don't they? But is that the "fame" you want? Notoriety must not be confused with fame. Even if the normative values of your generation are accommodative of sex tape as arterial avenue to fame... note that many of those who laud the philosophy of prurient fame would rather not be the ones in those tapes. They're sideline cheer leaders who critically never volunteer their future as notorious digital media.

The issue goes beyond you. Think of your parents. Think of your children. Do you really want junior googling mummy and the top search result is mummy's sex tape? The level of viral interest in such materials ensures that every time your name is googled the sex tape comes up. That's when you hear the sermon: "Mummy did some bad things a long time ago. I'm not proud of those things." A digital release multiplies faster than a swarm of obstreperous virus. (Obstreperous means difficult to control). That is the nature of the web and the new world order is digital malignancy. Your future must not become an amortised asset, your reputation mortgaged to the hilt. That sex tape is going to stay in cyberspace forever. These things define paths, determine and limit life options. Actions have consequences. Always think of your future despite the natural inclination of youth to only think of the here and now. Something you did a whole while back can rush into your future with the force of a 2-ton canon ball. Even if not released on the net the tape can surface ten, fifteen years later with wicked intent. It will force unimaginable repercussions on your life. May determine your fortune- political or otherwise. And your parents or husband may suffer from those repercussions, or be prevented in life.

There's a gentleman who can't run for office today though eminently qualified, on account of the lascivious past of his wife. She loves him dearly but she knows a run for office will force some things out into the open. His declaration will bring about remembrances of the past quietly buried just below the surface of human consciousness. His opponents will use her past against him, salivating a prime time moment in anticipatory maliciousness. If he insists on running she must divorce him she says. For his own good. Let me bring things into sharper perspective- give you the focus being in love will deny you.

Research how many campus relationships end up in marriage. You'll discover the statistics is rather low. (Going somewhere). It's because the actuality of the real world renders obsolescent the circumstances of campus affection; thins out the potency. A university campus is a factitious environment though real world phenomena take place there. It is deliberately designed to forge intellectual stimulation through crossings and interactions. In the real world the demands of work and life...the mechanics of daily ablution prevent certain levels of interaction.

You just can't "dash to Tunde's hostel" in the real world. His availability is moderated by so many factors. A love forged under the pseudo realities of campus life will be subject to stress test in the real world. The young man still has to move out of home. He needs to get an apartment, furnish it at least a bit before marrying. That can take some time though the girl is ready for marriage. She's waiting to walk down the aisle. Minus economics the boy most times is not psychologically ready to take that big step immediately after school. Readiness dissonance will create a fissure in the relationship. The word "relationship" presupposes a continuum. There can't be gaps or fissures. Then there are consequences of maturity. The more mature you become the more you know what you should want in a man. Tunde may not necessarily fit that definition. His love offering thus becomes extinct under new realisations. Now you see why the mortality rate for campus hatched relationships is high. Life asserts and imposes itself.

Now imagine making a sex tape on campus given the foregoing. The chance the sex tape will be in the custody of someone you're probabilistically unlikely to marry is high. And so an amateur pornographic flick you starred in when you were 18, 19 can come to haunt your life with vengeance. A lot depends on the character of that boyfriend, and God help you if Tunde is angry you jilted him. He will exact digital revenge the likes of which the TV drama, Revenge will lust after for a script.

When you become someone important or the wife of someone important a digitalised record can threaten it all. Imagine being a First Lady or Minister of the Federal Republic and your sex tape is released! Guess it all depends on how you see your future, how far you see yourself going, what you intend to become. As for the sex itself maybe you should consider following God's instruction about it. You know what he says. His standards may seem a bit high but I always start with the assumption that he knows what he's talking about. But you know each generation thinks it's more modern than God, as if God didn't invent the future. Pardon me but didn't God invent sex? Or did we?

Your mentor, LA.

 © Leke Alder 2014