Dear Jack
When
a marriage is under financial strain,
men and women exhibit strange characters...
lack of
money..in a marriage...breeds fear and
turns you into a spiritual
analyst.
And so the woman becomes the enemy, a suspect, not an ally.
My dear Jack, if you don’t want
the truth don’t ask me for advice. I’ve told you money is important in
marriage. A lack of money can break a marriage. And where it doesn’t it can do
irreparable damage. It will reconfigure the relationship between you and your
wife. It’s why I tell young men not to go into marriage without a job. You’re
going to put enormous strain on the marriage. No matter how much you love each
other, when there’s no money the union will be pressured. And when a marriage
is under financial strain, men and women exhibit strange characters. You’ll be
shocked what that goody goody girlfriend of yours will do under financially
induced marital strain. Even you will change under pressure. And financial
pressure can be particularly hard on young men. Linked to self-esteem.
Life demands of young men they
substantiate their affection with means. And because men define themselves by
attainment, a lack of money greatly affects social status. When there’s
financial pressure, the more your wife tries to console and comfort you the
more you’ll snap. The brunt of financial pressure is borne by those in close
proximity. And so both of you will turn on each other. Then the illogical
begins to happen. You’ll grow superstitious, wondering if marrying the young
woman was the incipience of a regime of lack… Wondering whether the woman is a
harbinger of bad fortune you shouldn’t have married. That’s what lack of money
can do in a marriage. It breeds fear and turns you into a spiritual analyst.
And so the woman becomes the enemy, a suspect, not an ally. And things spiral
down from there. Controlled by superstition and fear, you’ll refuse to eat her
food. Maybe she “spiked” it. Soon your mother-in-law will become a witch. Along
with her daughters, they’re a coven of witches. Why won’t you just spare
yourself arrant and suspicious spirituality and just go and get yourself a job?
I have said it before: there’s
the sentimentality of love. But there’s also the dutifulness of love. Love
portends responsibility. Love has a disciplinary component. Love is patient,
love is kind, love is not envious, love is not boastful or proud… Love doesn’t
demand its own way, love hardly notices when the other does it wrong… Those
definitions of love are beyond sentimentalism. They bespeak restraint,
discipline and responsibility. Love is responsible and disciplined.
Now I don’t know the philosophy
you subscribe to as per marriage…(Every marriage is guided by a philosophy of
life)… But where I’m coming from, a man must be responsible for his wife and
kids. He must provide for them. And your financial responsibility is
independent of the income of your wife, though you can create a combine. But if
you subscribe to the notion of being a house-husband, all well and good. It’s
your choice and I respect that. It’s a new sociology, but don’t complain you’re
not accorded respect. If you want respect as man- and respect means a lot to us
men, be financially responsible in your marriage. As a man there are things you
must do. I’m sure you have expectations of your wife too. But something tells
me, deep down no one wants to marry a liability. Everyone wants an asset. And
no one wants to marry a depreciating asset either, or redundant asset.
Redundancy has carrying cost.
And it’s not just about you. You
want your son to be proud of you as a father. You want him to emulate you. You
want to be a worthy example to your son, to be a living example. It may be
tough paying those school fees at times but all the young man wants to know is,
“Daddy is trying!” Have you ever wondered why the children of drunks hate their
father? Think about it. It’s not just that he’s raucous and uncontrollable and
a social disgrace. There’s also the issue of him debilitating the only
productive asset in the home- their mother. In principle, an irresponsible
father is no different from that drunk. Irresponsibility is a common factor.
Get a job. It might not be the ideal job you want but your wife knows you’re
doing something. And your little son knows Daddy is working hard, struggling.
He will pray for you. And you pass on to your son the values of work ethic,
honesty, discipline, self-worth. If your son doesn’t imbibe those values your
old age may not be pleasant.
The woman has to handle the
social disgrace of no money in marriage. She has to buy goods on credit. And
she has friends. She either has to keep lying (and they know she’s lying) or relate
in shame. That’s not saying you should be like the Joneses. Much of the avowed
prosperity of the Joneses is a mirage. You never know the true story about the
Joneses. And your name is not Tom Jones. So there’s the contentment side to
manliness, being proud of what you’ve achieved so far, hoping for the best. No,
that’s not what I’m talking about. I’m talking about laboring with your own
hands and looking out for opportunities. And when opportunities come, grabbing
them with both hands… Being diligent in the pursuit of the future.
But if you start making excuses
for non-achievement, you’re going to turn it into a philosophy.
And please don’t hate what you
desire. Stop hating the successful. Not every successful person is crooked. I’m
just saying the pressure won’t stop on your marriage until you sort out the
money angle. Get a job! You start somewhere and you progress. The longer you
put off getting into employment the more you defer the future. Don’t allow life
overtake you. And you know that’s happening when your colleagues are zooming
past you. And that’s my ounce of advice. What you do with it is really up to
you.
Your mentor, LA.
© Leke Alder
You can reach Leke Alder via:
talk2me@lekealder.com
talk2me@lekealder.com
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